They hit me
Those words spoken
So casually.
I feel it
Spiked edge sharp
Metallic
Barbed wire buried deep
Into flesh already holding
So many
Scars
And cracks.
It hurts
But I smile
Pretending to be OK
Because
If I speak
My words are encoded.
Like a Sphynx
I speak in riddles
Very few
Understand;
Like the Lonely Whale
I communicate
In a frequency
No other hears
Despite being
Surrounded;
In community.
You correct me
When I try to speak
Regardless.
I begin a sentence
And you break in
With questions.
Clarifications.
To understand me
Because I am such a bad
Communicator.
It’s true:
My past is littered
With failed attempts
At connection.
I see in your eyes
Embarrassment
At being linked with me
In society.
Afraid perhaps
That my poor attempts
At talking
Will reflect badly on you;
On the work we both serve.
So I stay silent.
Or speak in whispers
To a trusted few.
And slip further
Away
Another crack
Another scar
And I wonder at when
My being
My One
Became so
Reliant
Dependant
On what others
Thought
Or said.
When was it
That first time I
Was shut down
Shut out
For being bad
At communicating?
I take a look at
My scars
My cracks
And see myself
In so many
Broken shards;
Reflections
Of reflections.
Too many.
I have somehow
Lost myself here
My core strength
Oozing out
Like pus
Into nothingness.
My silent consent
For others
To dictate terms
For how
I
Should be
Rests against
That
Metallic point.
I encase it
In my pus
My blood
My tears and sweat.
I take it in
As a reminder
That I am
Strong
And capable;
That being me
When I am true
To myself
Is everything
I need
To focus on.
To be whole.
I admit thinking
Briefly
When that barb
First hit
That here it was.
The end
Of another
Relationship.
But instead
It is the beginning.
©June 2018 AM Hunter
Green and Grey 