Songs are their own special kind of creature. Sometimes they are like butterflies that flutter around me, just out of reach; distracting me with their colours and their delicate dance. Sometimes they barely touch me as they come through and out into the world. And sometimes, they bludgeon me about the head and gouge out my insides as they demand to come into being.
In your Eyes was that kind of song.
I was in the middle of a spreadsheet for work when it started to come through. A tidal wave of emotion flooded through me, blurring my vision and I had to stand up. Stop what I was doing. I grabbed my handkerchief (who can find tissues in these days of bare supermarket shelves) and burst into tears. Not the gentle, delicate tears of something wonderful and euphoric. No – these were the body-bending, gut-wrenching sobs of something deep and intangible; something so complex that naming the emotion that swept through me was just impossible. I was desolate, confused, torn by something jagged and thrown aside to be flayed by the winds.
There were no words. No tune.
But along with the sobbing were pictures. Yuzuru Hanyu skating his world record breaking short program from the Four Continents Championships earlier this year. And watching him, from the sidelines, his Pooh Bear tissue box.
I didn’t understand. Not at first.
To find the words I had to return to the sobbing and travel through it to the depths it came from. The Pooh Bear was the key.
Watching.
That which is perceived by another is often not seen by the person being scrutinised. Hope, beauty, love – all concepts that some of us find extremely difficult to consider when we look within. But through someone else’s eyes, if they see that within us, we can be lifted up and carried along. We emerge like the phoenix from the ashes of our despair and the death of our love-starved souls. For those of us who are often seduced by our Dark Lover, death, a message of hope, a reminder that life is beautiful and worth living, can be hard to believe if someone isn’t there to show us the way. And that someone is often not the person you would expect; in fact it is often not a person at all.
The tune came from Yuzu’s skate routine, with its twirls, its jumps and glides. Uplifting, enchanting and wondrous; a serenade for the beloved who sees more in us that we could ever see in ourselves; taking us to heights we previously thought impossible to achieve. And we reach them easily as we almost believe every word.
I knew there would be a backlash. Recording the song once I finally finished catching it the next day required me to embody the wonder and enchantment seen by the one who watches; to feel intensely how amazing, beautiful, strong and courageous I am; to know that life is beautiful and that through everything that is happening there is wonder in this world; that I have a future.
It was evening when the backlash rained down. Like a dark dragon of night it was on me before I had time to fully prepare and I was glad I’d clipped my nails a few days earlier. Self-loathing like a poison spread through every part of me and I tore at the air as I allowed my pain to find its voice. It’s poison harrowed me through the night and into the next morning. My throat was raw from ranting and sobbing. My eyes were red with tears still waiting to be shed. My heart was cracked and broken.
But my song. Ah, my song is wondrous!
(C) AM (Xander) Hunter March 2020
Green and Grey 