Shadowdance – Page 2 – Green and Grey

Waterfall

I was wandering through the woods on a day
When the sun and the moon shared the sky
As the clouds and the shadows told the sun stay away
My head was stuck on the question of why
So I stopped by a clump of pine trees to think
And around me they came on the breeze in a blink

There were at least four or five so fair and so tall
That I thought I was somehow in a dream
They were both here and there held in both light and shade
And yet still somewhere quite in between
Then one took their hand and drew a long line of light
In the air what was day held a doorway made of night

I knew somehow that if I followed them through
I would breathe no more beneath this sun and moon
And I traced my life as it was from my birth
And I found I did not want to die this soon
Their laughter rang like music through the trees
And it was so sweet it was surely done to please

One stepped through the doorway from night into day
And their gaze stabbed me right behind my eyes
Their face shone in a way that held me in fear
Like they could see me through my everyday disguise
Then they reached through my chest and grabbed hold of my heart
And they read my true name the one I’ve held right from the start

So I found myself crying out deep in pain
As if they poked a wound that never really heals
And it seemed to me that they felt the same
Yet their eyes told me they would never yield
So I found myself turn and start to run
As I needed my skin to feel the warmth of the sun

From that moment on my life was contained
Like I was held within a magic crystal ball
And no matter where I ran or what delight I craved
It seemed that I was surrounded by a wall
Its shadow cast me deep into the dark
It bled me out like a blade right through my heart

While at night I was haunted by their shining face
Though distorted and twisted and unreal
Their slender fingers reach like daggers of bone
Through my flesh around my heart I could feel
Till I awoke one day and realized that no more
Could I turn my back I could never close that door

Once again I wandered deep into the woods
Waiting for the day the sky held sun and moon
And I began working at a hole in that wall
So that I could squeeze through it sometime soon
And then maybe I could travel deep into the night
Through a door in the air with its edges made of light

And deep into the river of life I would plunge
To be held by its ever-loving arms
Until it takes me away high into the hills
Where the rainbow of light and water charms
This time when they come I will be ready for the sight
Cause their call to my heart makes it shatter with delight

With their hand in mine I will at last find my rest
Cause their fate and mine are both entwined
And when I look with wonder once again into that face
I will notice that it is the same as mine
I’m not talking about the one that’s flesh and bone
But the silver song that we both will know as home

Cause our souls are cords of shining silver light
That weave around each other like two snakes
No matter how many lives we travel through
Our hearts will reach across to ease the ache
Though towards the rocks we are hurled every time
Like a waterfall we dance through the divine

Click to listen to the song version

Watch the video of the Poetry version (below)

About the song

Walking With My Shadows

From behind me green eyes sparkle
And he licks his jagged teeth
Starts grabbing at my beating heart
But it is kept out of his reach
For my heart it is well guarded
By her blood red thorny rose
So back into the ethers
His shadowed form does go

As I turn another corner
Of my winding crooked way
A little faun is following me
But he’s being kept at bay
For my Guardian is holding me
In his huge protective arms
And his silken voice keeps telling me
To beware of his charms

My feet they keep on wandering
Through the darkly lit woodlands
Around me eyes are glistening
And making hungry plans
For the light that glows and shows the way
Is a magnet strong and true
Towards it are drawn many things
That would like to hold it to

For without a light a shadow
By the darkness is absorbed
So the hungry eyes keep watching me
And they take their shadowed form
Shrieking cries I hear as music
As I walk my crooked path
And I find that I am singing with them
And share my light of Art

So to me they start their whispering
Of their secrets and of skills
Of ancient deep pooled knowledge
From within these hallowed hills
As I work my Art I see them there
Holding circles guarding ways
They open up such mysteries
And spread them for my gaze

But to think they are all friendly
Would turn me into a feast
The dinner bell would sound aloft
And the hungry ones would eat
So I share my light with kindred
And they protect my fragile form
Together we are stronger than
The chasm, fire, and storm

Fairytales have Answers

Searching for answers I don’t know
What the questions are
When life is overwhelming me
And where to head is far
Directions spin like children’s toys
I am the dust of stars
Drifting through these endless days
Spreading near and far

My heart is filled with darkness and then
Sudden bursts of light
My arms hold the universe
I sing mist into night
Across the blackened sea me myself I
Sail over the moon
Night may hold eternity
But Dawn comes all too soon

Gather up my ponderings I
Enfold them in my breath
Give them to the winds of fate
My uncertain quest
Dancing on the swirling breeze they
Travel far and wide
While I await here patiently
On this eternal ride

A labyrinth of endless pain
Contains my question mark
Wrapped in soul I feel my way
Fight shadows in the dark
Endless turning pulls me free from
My embodied state
Shattered pieces lie before my
Shining three-fold gate

And when there’s nothing left but echoes
In the screaming winds
Deep waters swirling still
From where I might have been
A pile of scattered blackened ash that’s
Still warm from the spark
I find myself facing me
Reflections in the glass

In my quest for truth and wisdom I hold
Close the central part
That it is the journeying
Connecting mind to heart
I am the brightest flame above
The deepest darkest well
Shining in my loving arms
Myself my answers tell

Fairytales have answers
My fairytales have answers

What is your question?

One Path Forked

For my Fetch, my Soul, my Twin

Home
That which holds me
Seeps into my bones
And through my hair
My stoney heart
Is His
My eyes
Windows into His soul
My body
Shaped by Him
To walk His path
We are one
He and I
Entwined
Like serpents
That somehow merge
Becoming the same
Two sides
Yet
When you trace them
You find
They are one
One path
Forked
Rejoining
He is my home
And I am His
Fate and Fire
Fetch and Soul
Eternal
Yet embodied
We
Are me

Sometime After the Equinox

Sometime after the Equinox
On the dark of the moon
Like a serpent released from the Egg
I’ll say farewell to you
The container that held me
When I was too small
Not yet fully aware
When I needed something
You were just there
And you held me
Nourished me in ways that
I am yet to fully understand
This world you formed for me
Will fall away as I embrace
The enormity that exists outside
Your smooth walls

The cracks that formed
While I was still inside
Frightened me beyond measure
What was this space
That existed beyond everything I knew
It was too much to fathom
And I pulled myself in
Made myself smaller
While I wondered
And dreamed
Became curious

The cracks became broader
I began to see shapes
And colours
Light and shadow beckoned
So I pressed one eye
Towards the crack
And dared to look beyond

That’s when I felt it
The crushing weight of being restrained
Of limitations that prevent me
From stretching to my full size
Such potential disguised
Hidden from me by your embrace
I feel the urge to expand
Press against the edges of this
Tiny world that once
Was so large
Was my everything
The cracks become holes
And I can reach into the beyond

The smells entice me onwards
I crack these walls further
Wriggle to escape my confines
Feel the coolness of
Air moving against my skin
As I expand out

My form delights me
It is so much larger than the
World I emerged from
I begin to wonder how I ever fitted
In such a tiny space
Begin to smash it into
Ever smaller pieces as I
Move outwards
Take in my new surroundings
Feel the wonder and enchantment
Of this new world
So large around me

For a moment I ache
To be held like before
But those days are gone now
The wonder becomes something
Too large
Frightening
There are eyes everywhere
Some like mine
Some not
I try to pull back into my old world
But it’s too late now
There is no going back

And I realise
That I haven’t left it behind at all
That old comfortable world
It’s held somewhere within me now
There for me to grasp at
To hold onto when I’m lost
When everything is just too much
So many overwhelming sensations
Too many for my small form to take in
I curl around it
Afraid to let it go
Afraid to take it with me

Light dances before me
Shining and sparking on some surface that
Becomes soft when I touch it
Surrounds me
I move and am held
Things change around me
Light becomes darkness
Then light again

I find myself leaving the
Softness and venturing onto something rough
I recoil and move around it
Through something that has
A different kind of softness
Of holding
I rise up and look back at that place
I emerged from
Growing ever confident
As I move on my own
Carrying my world within me

It’s edges are still cracked
And I begin to bleed inside
This pain deep within
I lash out at
But it’s beyond my reach
I scream and rage
As the sharp edges of my old world
Cut ever deeper
Gouge into me

And I wonder how something
That once was so comforting
Can hurt so much
Never abating with its
Hunger
Eating into me
Until I cannot carry it within me anymore
It’s too painful
Too harmful

The thought of release brings me a new comfort
And I realise that I no longer need
That old world anymore
It no longer nourishes me.
My new world has within it
Everything I need

So sometime after the Equinox
On the Dark of the moon
I will say farewell to you
My old world
As I fully embrace the new
And my place within it
Face the fear and pain
Because I know I can withstand it
For I am my own world now

Just a few words

When I’m sad or in pain, I won’t tell you. You may figure it out on your own; you might know me well enough to see through the thin veil that I hide behind. Or maybe I’m so transparent that even my most hidden feelings are in plain sight. Even so, I won’t tell you.

My not telling you doesn’t mean that I hold it in; that I’m silent; that I put everything in a box and put the lid down tight. I might do that but then again I might not. Sometimes I scream alone in my house where only my cat can hear it. Sometimes I rant and words pour out of my mouth like poison. Sometimes I crush something soft in my hand – like bread or maybe a flower; Something that can be crushed. Recently I started tearing paper before adding it to the recycling. Occasionally how I feel will come out as a poem or song – a rhyme that carries with it that which was poisoning my insides and at the same time heals the wounded flesh.

My not telling you doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to know. Sometimes I wish you would notice that I’m here, that I feel, that I need. But what good will telling you do? You’re busy, and I’m a pain. I irritate people so much just by existing. My presence grates people and I get on their nerves. If I try to speak my words come out wrong and are misunderstood. They make things worse not better. You knowing is worse than you not knowing. Knowing angers you; makes you feel guilty or responsible or some other bad thing that somehow becomes my fault. Even if it is just in my head. I see how you tighten your face, I hear your tone change from warm to ice or fire. I tell myself that I am to blame.

My not telling you doesn’t mean that I am swamped with hate, or guilt, or something else that you should worry about. I am not about to slit my wrists, take a bunch of pills, or in some other way harm myself. That you think I will just makes me more silent. I censor myself so that you won’t worry. If you are worried then I end up having to carry that as well – pick it up, whether I’m meant to or not, and try to figure out what to do with it. If you worry then it makes everything worse, not better. If you ask, I tell you what you want to hear so you will just go away.

My not telling you doesn’t mean that I’m self-sabotaging and constantly pulling myself down. Telling you means that I will be told not to feel sad or be in pain; like it’s not important to feel such things or that the experience leading to those emotions should somehow be negated or erased or removed from existence. They are important and valuable and deserve to be expressed.

My way of expressing myself doesn’t have to be the same as yours for it to be valid. If I am screaming, it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost control and need someone else to control me. It means my pain needs to voice itself and be heard. If I am rhyming something dark and foreboding it doesn’t mean that I’m suicidal; it means that my pain is being transformed into something else – something dark, yes, but also something wonderful. Creative. Vibrant. Real. If I am crying, it doesn’t mean that I have to be comforted so that I stop; it means that there is an ocean inside me needing to flow naturally through me and roll out onto my flesh. It unclogs the hidden pool inside me so that it doesn’t stagnate. It frees up muscles I didn’t even realise were clenched.

My way of expressing myself is healthy; it feeds that within me that needs to be fed; it makes me more human and less like some lost wraith. My writing was born in such emotion and continues to be fed and nourished by it. Some of my most beautiful and creative pieces have started here. The poetry and song that just erupts from the emotion is transformative and takes on a life of its own. Feeling pain and sadness leads to feeling other emotions – excitement, joy, gratitude, contentment, and a whole bunch of others. Like colours standing out more with a black background they become more vibrant and I see and appreciate them so much more.

I’m not writing this to lecture you, and I don’t need you to lecture me about it either.

I need you to understand and accept that I am a divine human being; I feel and express how I feel in my own unique way. I live, and dance, and sing, and scream, and rant, and howl, and rage, and laugh because I am alive; I am vibrant; a being of energy, a play of shadow and light. I embrace my darkness so that I may also embrace my light, my fire, my glow. Both are me – and the many shades of grey that live in between.

There are things that I do, or like, or say that you don’t understand – that you will never understand. That’s OK. There’s a lot about you I will never understand too. That doesn’t mean we should stop trying.

One last thing.

I love you.

All of you.

Even those dark shadowed spaces that you try to hide from me. They are precious because they are part of you.

And I love you.

Me and my Shadow

Just me and my Shadow
Walking
Like we do most everyday
Just me and my Shadow
Talking
But sometimes life
Gets in the way
And I can hear
My Shadow say

I’m a nothing
A no one
Just an empty
Waste of space
I’m never
“Enough” enough
A statue lacking grace

And when I walk
I walk alone
It’s in my chart
It’s in my tome
And when I talk
I talk alone
There’s no one here
No one home

Just me and my Shadow
Walking
Like we do most every day
Just me and my Shadow
Talking
But sometimes life
Gets in the way
And I can hear
My Shadow say

And I tell my shadow
SHUT UP!!!

Listen to the song

About the song

My Foolish Child

My foolish Child
Your voice is
Mine
Yet you use it to
Bleat
And whine

Come sit
Beside me
Under this tree
Take my hand
Sweet Child
Let it be

This tearing inside
Your bleeding red
Hart
This scratching and
Biting to
Find your art

All is illusion
Yet all is right
Here
The wonders before us
The thorns
You fear

We are all shredded
But
We rise again
Face our
Dark shadows and
Horrors within

This flesh that
Repels you
Holds secrets my deer
Your task to
Unravel
While you are here

Too soon back
To the Infinite
You’ll head
With a mind
Full of fears
And a heart
Full of dread

Each treasure
Taking
Hiding away
Dropping deep down
Into some nameless
Bay

Closing a door
And locking it
Tight
Shrouding its location
Under cover of
Night

Not mapping out
Nor seeing it’s
Worth
Fooling yourself
That all’s well
On this Earth

But you forget me
That I am
In you
That we are
Entwined
We fated two

Your soul
And mine
In endless silver dance
Of spirals and
Serpents
And sweet happenstance

Whispered threads
Of who what
And where
Of when and of how
And all things
You dare

For every door
You
Lock away
I hold a key
All I need to do is
Say

It shall be opened
And open
It will
With things passing
Through it
For good or for ill

The hollows within you
Were once
In the hills
For you are my door
Through you my
Form spills

So foolish Child
Do you yet
Realise
You hold Earth
In your bones and
Stars in your eyes

In the Meadow

In the Meadow I’ll play
Just once more
For old times sake
Before I close this door
Before I find
Myself
Unkind
This world too full
Of sadness
And cruelty
I’ve forgotten how to talk
To people I mean
You and I and the other
Inbetweens
We’re fine
It’s the others
They seem just
So far away
And like smoke
Or mist
They fade
Their words empty air
Their flesh grey
And crumbling like ash
The fire long since gone
And in its stead
This shadow
Of something that once
Held promise
A spark that should have
Burned
Much brighter
A yesterday that forgot
Once upon a time
It was
Tomorrow
Something new
And different
Not any more
It’s all just
Nothing
A void
Somewhere
Long forgotten
And I look at my hand
As it writes
And wonder
Why
I bother
Why I’m still
Here
When it’s all just
Meaningless
Mindless pain
Spinning around and around and
Around again
So in my head
I dream
Of wonders and places
I’ve never been
And down my road
I’ll take a step
And then another
Towards that blip
That is mine
Happiness
Divine
Call it whatever
It’s something
It’s never
Going to be just
Here
So I need to move
If I want
It near
So in the meadow
I’ll play
Once more
And then forever
Close this door.

© AM (Xander) Hunter October 2020

Black Dragon

There’s a black dragon
Under my feet
It’s smoke framed face
Fills my sleep
There’s a black dragon
Circling my home
There’s a black dragon
Won’t leave me alone

Walking down the ragged track
Feeling kind of dreamy
Are those eyes upon my back
I hope that they don’t see me
I drop me down into the ground
To see what I could see there
Shadowed figure large and round
I think I should not be here

There’s a black dragon
Under my feet
It’s smoke framed face
Fills my sleep
There’s a black dragon
Screaming in pain
There’s a black dragon
And he’s calling my name

Calling my name
Calling my
Name

Listen to the song