Shadowdance – Page 5 – Green and Grey

Adrift

So there I was
Nodding in the background
Not quite awake and yet
Not really asleep either
And I suddenly realised
That I had totally
Missed
Something very important
She was talking and
I wasn’t really listening
But I was nodding,
Which is important.
And her face was absorbed
Totally
In what she was saying
Every emotion sliding across it
Like a huge cinema screen
So large that I wasn’t
Listening
And some part of me
Must have tuned in
Because it hit me that
She had said
Something
That I needed to hear
Crucial words that
Meant so much
And me being a total idiot
Was thinking about
Watching TV
And that book I was reading
Or what I might be doing later
Don’t remember
Not important
Focusing on myself
As usual
And not giving her the
Respect
She deserved and thought
She had
With me
That I was someone
Who listened and was
Interested
In what she thought
And how she felt
And I kind of was
Only
Not at that moment
She was speaking
So much
And it was going on for
So long
That I just
Drifted
For a moment
Not long but
Long enough
I looked at her
Full of regret and
Trying
To correct my mistake to
Take back
My inattention
What?
I said
Which was a
Stupid thing
To say
She turned
Looked at me
Then looked
Away
And stopped
Speaking
And that was
When we
Drifted
Apart

Long Lost Gypsy Soul

I have lost myself
Somewhere in the scheme
Of daily doing
Being what others need
Taking my place
In the chain of commerce
That part of me
Which has passion
And life
Wandered off
Left this shell behind
No long silver cord
So show where they went
Just an empty ache
Of where they have been
And I wonder
Occasionally
When I can be bothered
To stir myself to stop
When they left
What was it that caused them
To travel a different path
One that was
So different from this
Black sucking pit
Wrapped in self loathing
And I remember the promise
Of sunshine and rainbows
The touch of waves against
My hand as it dangled
Deep in the moment of being
Seeing such wonders
At every corner
Sparkles in the eyes
Of the crooked dirty
Street beggars
As they smiled
And dreamed
My wonder led to determination
To seek out that
Long lost gypsy soul
That haunts some orange sky
As the sun hangs low
And lights up everything
It touches
Even me

Journey’s Knowing

Knowing that I have to go
Not wanting to
But understanding that
I just can’t stay
Not anymore
Knowing that ultimately
It doesn’t matter
I’ll still be who I am
Inside and out
Regardless
Knowing that my gifts
Will always travel with me
No matter where I go
Or how I get there
Or when
Knowing that I cannot tell
What the future really holds
My cards fall as they will
And point out places
Of interest
Knowing that I will never
Fully understand
The true meaning of life
My confusion is part
Of who I am
Knowing that my fate
Is in the winds
They are stronger than I am
And I fly wherever
They send me
Knowing that this house
Is falling down
And I am being torn
From it’s hearth my heart
Tear stained embers
Knowing I am more than
My possessions
Even my flesh seems so
Tiny in comparison
With the stars
Knowing that the days ahead
Are going to be hard
They will tear me apart
And somehow I will
Put myself back together
And be different
Knowing that I am afraid
And have no power to stop
The inevitable entropy
That surrounds my every
Waking breath
Knowing that despite all this
I love and am loved
Am held and watched over
Led through this darkness
Into the light beyond

Slashed and Wind Torn

Yesterday was horrible
He howled and stomped
And I shook
He swirled around
Swallowing me up
Like I’d asked for
But I ran
It wasn’t a loving embrace
It frightened me
In some dark hard to reach
Primal part of me
I was scared
Little child hugging my knees
Waiting for someone to come
Rescue me
From my fears and dreams
Freddy lurching, claws extended
Welcome to prime time, bitch!
Yesterday I drove away
Trying to outrun his reach
Hands grasping at me
At every turn
Throwing whatever he could find
In my path
I wished I had someone with me
To shiver with
Swallowing my tears
Blinking hard to keep my eyes clear
So I didn’t crash
They opened the door
How lovely to see you
Thanks for bringing that
So stupid of me to have left it behind
Then they saw
Put the kettle on
Strange how tea is always
A healing thing
For a moment they had seen
I had let them see
My vulnerability
The glamour of always being strong
Had shattered
And they put me back together
Hugged me so that I knew
I was not alone
And I turned
Fortified and armored
Able to face the angry winds
To return to my ravaged house
Roof banging
House shaking
Held in the knowing
That this is not all I am
I am so much more
And I am not alone

This One’s Journey

This canvas holds
A fragment
Something wonderful
Is hinted at
In the circumstances
Of its becoming
And yet
Behind that arc of
Rainbowed ink
Lies such darkness
Untapped depths
That could swallow up
Everything

This canvas holds
A memory
Of horrors to come
Distorted faces
Beckon
With twisted smiles
As I smile back
Wrapped in the
Beauty
Of difference
Chaotic serendipity
Wailing and black
Calling me home

This canvas holds
A promise
Once made to a
Beloved
Pure and glowing
Serpentine threads
That dance their
Red black and white
Innocence
Pulsating within
And around
My broken green
Heart

This canvas holds
An emptiness
Too great to fathom
Nothingness
That ever lies
The river Styx
With no ferryman
To guide the
Unwary traveler
Enchanted
By the iridescent
Seductiveness
Of its still dark

This canvas holds
A yearning
Calling me from my
Dreaming skin
Seeking kindred
In the swirling winds
I soar up
On borrowed bones
Something more
At this moment
Than I have
Ever been and
Ever will be

Holding the Stars

I wander into the wilderness
Its dank moist darkness holds me
Deep within its shadows
Every step takes me closer
To something that has been lost
For a long time

I feel its pull and move effortlessly
Tangled gnarled roots do not trip me
The tickle of delicate webs do not touch
Nothing bites, or scratches, or cuts
I miss nothing and no-one
And I move

I see the rainbowed mountain
Hear the wind in the trees
Feel it caress my face
I am smiling as I gaze upwards
Through the lace of the branches
I feel it near

The rocks call out to me as I pass
I stop with them sometimes
Chatting about the ends of stars
The churn of breaking down and
Reforming into something new
Or something old

Water trickles down from somewhere above me
Sparkling against the moss covered sides
Of trees and boulders and tiny stones
It glistens in the sunlight and
Turns the air into many colours
That dance and spin

And poised at the centre of it all
That one perfect moment
When everything was wonderful
And I could hold the stars within my eyes
And the secrets of the universe beckoned
Beneath my skin

Seeking Quicksilver

I once sat sagely
Beneath the tree
And focused on what
Was and wasn’t me
The deep gouged bark
Pressed into my back
I looked up at my oak
Sea of green on black
Branches swaying like
Snakes in the sky
I found myself there
And in my mind’s eye
Noticed I was travelling
And yet sitting still
Body patiently waiting
As the silver soul will
Go travelling off
With the spirits and sprites
Leave day down below
And travel into night
Landing in the dark
My wings disappear
Wrapped all in shadows
The bright ones appear
Surround me laughing
With their glowing Fae lights
Teeth and claws hiding
Behind masks of delight
And I smile truly
As I become me
My human dissolving
And I shed it with glee
Fingers grow longer
And nails and hair
Teeth become sharper
I am more aware
Feeling him near me
Wandering thrill
Knowing his heart
Beats for mine still
We gaze in the waters
Formed by the dew
Our futures entwining
Past and present too
I reach towards him
And he towards me
His eyes quicksilver
An ocean unseen
Since the dawn of time
And far beyond then
Dancing my shadows
Arora tinged skin
Licking that spark
At the centre of self
And it blazes brightly
Flamed serpentine elf
All becomes brighter
Such colours appear
Swirling around me
To hold me right here
Be one forever and
Never look back
Feeling such wholeness
Not that I lack
Something I can’t quite
Fathom or grasp
The fear of it spasms
The death rattle rasps
And that dull ache
Returns with such force
I remember what was
As time takes its course
And I find myself sitting
Beneath that oak tree
Wondering what was
And what wasn’t me

About the poem