Gerri Ravyn Stanfield Course

Moonstruck Dreaming

The adventure begins when
I stand before them and say
As this candle is lit
May you light my way
I offer them incense and
Wave them three times
May they nourish and
Sustain you is my next line
Sometimes I kneel but
More often I stand
Maybe I’ll sit as they
Come take my hand
And suddenly the room
Is not not the same anymore
Our two realms blend and
They open a door
The floor becomes water
Dragonflies in the air
Or maybe I’ll find I have
Moss in my hair
And that I’m in a grove
Surrounded by Oaks
With boughs of Holly
How their thorny leaves poke!
And I’ll lie on the grass
As he strokes my hair
And tells those secrets
That only we share
As the Fae dance around us
And we pretend not to see
Their shimmering faces
Full of mischievous glee
Or maybe I’ll travel on some
Perilous dream quest
Through the stone hollows
With too much to digest
As I challenge my shadows
Or murky visions see
Maybe ancestors come
Just to spend time with me
While hidden dangers around
Every cobwebbed corner lie
And sometimes I will feel
The end really is nigh
As I find myself trapped by
Dark thoughts and fear
And need to remember
All that I hold dear
And that I am courageous
And loving and kind
That none of this means
That I’ve lost my mind
I’m just on an adventure
That others don’t share
Perhaps they don’t want to
Or maybe they don’t care
But it doesn’t really matter
At least not to me
As I wrap myself up
In your bright divinity
And smile as I realise
How important you are
To my still being here
And not going too far
For daily life fades
When you are around
But still I can bear it
Because you I have found
And we travel together
This crooked left path
With your hand in mine
And love in our heart

Surface Reflections

I am ready to embrace
Who I am
Except when I’m not
Ready
It’s hard
When you’re an
Inbetween
It’s been a full year today
Since
I came out online
As Asexual
As panromantic
As they
In that time I’ve
Come to terms
With being
Nonbinary
In a binary world
I call myself Al
Except when I don’t
Signature coming out
All wrong
Having to do it
Again
I still get a flush of
Pride
When my self talk
Works
And I call myself
Al
But then family don’t
And work forgets
Even though it’s
Official
Only it’s not
My work is happy
To call me
By my chosen name
But then
Tax is different
So
My pay details are for
My birth name
And people who know me
Before
Still call me
By that name
Or forget
And it’s embarrassing
To have to
Correct
Them all the time
So I let it go
My beloved chosen
Family
Are so supportive
Take such care when
Referring to me
Calling my
Name
They are the reason I
Was able to
Come out
Be myself
In the first place
Until I met them
I didn’t even
Realise why I felt
The way I
Do
Or did
Especially my ‘brother’
Who pushed me
To accept
Myself
And held me when I
Stumbled
So I wouldn’t fall
I’m part of a Pride group
At work
It’s been wonderful
To be part
Of a group that
Wants to
Include you
Only they don’t
Because
LGBTI only know how
To deal with
The L, G and B part
Even though they say
They want to address
The rest
Stupid how the
Small things
Can make you so
Happy
Like being able
To use the
Gender neutral
Toilets
If no-one else is
Or being called Al
On my name tag
And my email
Like helping my
Community
For wear it purple day
We managed to raise
More money for
Minus18
Than we had for
Any charity
Before
It made me wonder
Why
And I feel so
Naive
Or a freak
Having to
Stand up and be
Noticed
To push an
Agenda that others
Don’t have to
They are binary
They look at me and see
The surface
And sometimes that means
I do too

This One’s Dawning

Come along with me
And we’ll fly to the moon
Dance on the silver sands
Roll over each glorious dune
While etched above our heads
Glittering sparks of star light
Play amidst glowing balls
Wonders of eternal night
I look at your silent face
A mask of red white and black
Lit up by my shining heart
And I know you are smiling back
That behind your mask
You think kindly of me
And this show of wonders
You set up so I can see
Yet I fear that all this is dust
And we are dreaming here
So down I fall into the dark
But you are ever near
And there I find you yet again
Yet in a different guise
Your mask exchanged for a veil
Black drapes about your eyes
That dangle entwined with
Feathers of a raven cloak
You sit in a chamber of stone
I listened but you never spoke
You gestured to a round table
Marked and laid with runes
While drifting from some way off
Came the tickle of a lazy tune
The light was thick and heavy
And I stood there dumb
Unknowing and unsure
My body felt entirely numb
Like I was somewhere else
That this was not meant for me
You plucked out my bloody heart
And held it for me to see
I realised that I was naked
Standing before you in my skin
Which you painted in my blood
Sigils of knowing from my kin
They seeped in as you stroked
The tear that escaped my dam
Whispered to me words so soft
Like the wool of a newborn lamb
And suddenly I understood
As your blackness turned to white
The secrets of life death and life
A spiraling wondrous height
That left me giddy and raw and
Trying desperately not to swoon
I clutch my wildwood tree and hear
Come long with me to the moon

Embracing Water

What lies beneath the water?
I stand at the shore
With the shoes
Watching the others wade
Into Merlin’s cave
I would love to follow but
My feet would have to step
Into that water and I can’t
So I stand with shoes
And wait for them to return
What does the water hold?
Such a beautiful waterfall
In a sparkling glen
With ribbons tied to the trees
And candles in the rocks
The water is shallow and
They are walking across
To see the wonders more closely
I stand on the shore
Or balance precariously
On the stepping stones
What secrets are in that water?
I try to sleep
But the sound of the creek
Keeps me awake with its
Endless sighs and laughter
He smiles at me and I feel
Safer somehow and I long
To be that brave explorer
That sparkles from legend
So I buy a talisman
Aquamarine
In the shape of a toad
From where the creek babbles
How the water speaks
I stand at the edge
Healing waters fill the open bath
People dangle their feet
Or move through it
Soaking it in
I finger my talisman
And sit in the sun nearby
He brings to me Strawberry
So named for her hair
And she warns me
Not to trust
That everything will change
That he is not what he seems
What causes the water to move?
Time passes and I feel
Like I have grown
They are meeting Hecate
At the beach
The tide is coming in
We stand on the sand
And she claims her offerings
Water rising around our ankles
I feel its movement
On my skin and it is
Comforting
Like I have come home
Or am in tune with its
Gentle tugging motions
I smile and look down
At my talisman
Working his magic
How water fills me
I wake damp with sweat
The smell of salt still
Deep within my nostrils
The emerald sea moving
Behind my eyes
The boat wasn’t there
And I was in the water
Wondering about sharks
In front of me there was a
Single rolling wave
Like the flipper of a lazy whale
Rising up
And I saw it moving
Something in the water
Getting closer
With nowhere for me to run
Tiny ripples form around an
Edge of skin
Becoming larger
The green bump of a nose
I feel its edges as the face
Rises up
Water dripping from his scales
The nose becoming
A long snout
Like that of a crocodile
Only larger and green
Teeth glinting under the jade
Glowing sky
We face each other
Something dangerous
A warning
A protector
And I wake damp with salt
Deep within his belly
Listening to the hunger
Of the screeching winds

I am Stone

I am stone
Cracks fashion
Who I am
I fill them with
Glittering things
So my surface
Seems
Smooth
I am stone
Cracks are
Part of me
In ways that
Defy
Expectations
Mine
Not other people’s
I am stone
Each crack
Has hidden
Depths
And if you
Run
Your fingers
Over my
Skin
You feel
My brail
A tale waiting
For someone
To read it
I am stone
My surface is
Rugged
Etched
By the winds
All things that
Fly
By me
Never to stay
To explore
My canyons and
Hidden
Valleys
I am stone
I do not
Feel
Isolated
By your
Failing
To stop or
Notice
No tears fall
My surface
Is
Ever dry
And cracked
I am stone
Formed
Through explosions
Intense
Pressures
Splintering me
Into pieces
To grains
Sand
Beneath your
Stomping
Feet
I am stone
I do not
React
When you
Snarl
Or spit some
Crude
Remark
About my
Form
Or lack of one
Because I
Am
Not
As you
Wish
Me to be
I am stone
Something for
You to
Fashion
To chip into
Delicate
Pieces
Some discarded
Others
Criticized
Because you
Are no
Sculptor
And that is
My
Fault
I am stone
And I can
Crush you
Squash
Your puny
Ego
Into wet
Puddles
Of pus
And bile
Until you
Seep into my
Skin
Surviving
Only
Because I
Survive
I am stone
And
I
Am
Everlasting

Renewed Focus

I have recently discovered
Quite to my surprise
That I actually enjoy
Teaching
I’ve no idea of
How well I teach
Quite badly I expect
Because I’m a
Novice
With little training
And one student
Who is extraordinarily
Polite
And I have a wonderfully
Informed co-teacher who
Is supportive and skilled
And occasionally
Absent
So I have to stand up
And make myself
Lead
But having to be strong
To find a way of
Communicating
Key themes and skills
That tie into a central
Body of work
Has consequences
In other areas
Of my life
I begin to lead in
Other spaces
To think more about
How something is and
Why something is
Not that it is
Full stop
Nothing more to see here
Move along
I am finding that I now
Speak up
When I have an opinion
Or a question and
Don’t
Blindly follow
Or meekly dictate
Other people’s
Words
And actions
Teaching has forced me
To think about my own
Values
And beliefs
Strengths
And weaknesses
It has brought into
Focus
My place in the
Bigger picture
Like zooming out on
Google Maps
To get a view of where
One thing is in the context
Of something else
Then zooming back
Enlarging my small piece
And theirs
Finding connecting roads
Or paths
And augmenting them
With poetic landscapes
That might entice
Others
To venture out
So I can understand
Better
How to reach them
And how they
Reach me

Adrift

So there I was
Nodding in the background
Not quite awake and yet
Not really asleep either
And I suddenly realised
That I had totally
Missed
Something very important
She was talking and
I wasn’t really listening
But I was nodding,
Which is important.
And her face was absorbed
Totally
In what she was saying
Every emotion sliding across it
Like a huge cinema screen
So large that I wasn’t
Listening
And some part of me
Must have tuned in
Because it hit me that
She had said
Something
That I needed to hear
Crucial words that
Meant so much
And me being a total idiot
Was thinking about
Watching TV
And that book I was reading
Or what I might be doing later
Don’t remember
Not important
Focusing on myself
As usual
And not giving her the
Respect
She deserved and thought
She had
With me
That I was someone
Who listened and was
Interested
In what she thought
And how she felt
And I kind of was
Only
Not at that moment
She was speaking
So much
And it was going on for
So long
That I just
Drifted
For a moment
Not long but
Long enough
I looked at her
Full of regret and
Trying
To correct my mistake to
Take back
My inattention
What?
I said
Which was a
Stupid thing
To say
She turned
Looked at me
Then looked
Away
And stopped
Speaking
And that was
When we
Drifted
Apart

Long Lost Gypsy Soul

I have lost myself
Somewhere in the scheme
Of daily doing
Being what others need
Taking my place
In the chain of commerce
That part of me
Which has passion
And life
Wandered off
Left this shell behind
No long silver cord
So show where they went
Just an empty ache
Of where they have been
And I wonder
Occasionally
When I can be bothered
To stir myself to stop
When they left
What was it that caused them
To travel a different path
One that was
So different from this
Black sucking pit
Wrapped in self loathing
And I remember the promise
Of sunshine and rainbows
The touch of waves against
My hand as it dangled
Deep in the moment of being
Seeing such wonders
At every corner
Sparkles in the eyes
Of the crooked dirty
Street beggars
As they smiled
And dreamed
My wonder led to determination
To seek out that
Long lost gypsy soul
That haunts some orange sky
As the sun hangs low
And lights up everything
It touches
Even me

Journey’s Knowing

Knowing that I have to go
Not wanting to
But understanding that
I just can’t stay
Not anymore
Knowing that ultimately
It doesn’t matter
I’ll still be who I am
Inside and out
Regardless
Knowing that my gifts
Will always travel with me
No matter where I go
Or how I get there
Or when
Knowing that I cannot tell
What the future really holds
My cards fall as they will
And point out places
Of interest
Knowing that I will never
Fully understand
The true meaning of life
My confusion is part
Of who I am
Knowing that my fate
Is in the winds
They are stronger than I am
And I fly wherever
They send me
Knowing that this house
Is falling down
And I am being torn
From it’s hearth my heart
Tear stained embers
Knowing I am more than
My possessions
Even my flesh seems so
Tiny in comparison
With the stars
Knowing that the days ahead
Are going to be hard
They will tear me apart
And somehow I will
Put myself back together
And be different
Knowing that I am afraid
And have no power to stop
The inevitable entropy
That surrounds my every
Waking breath
Knowing that despite all this
I love and am loved
Am held and watched over
Led through this darkness
Into the light beyond

Slashed and Wind Torn

Yesterday was horrible
He howled and stomped
And I shook
He swirled around
Swallowing me up
Like I’d asked for
But I ran
It wasn’t a loving embrace
It frightened me
In some dark hard to reach
Primal part of me
I was scared
Little child hugging my knees
Waiting for someone to come
Rescue me
From my fears and dreams
Freddy lurching, claws extended
Welcome to prime time, bitch!
Yesterday I drove away
Trying to outrun his reach
Hands grasping at me
At every turn
Throwing whatever he could find
In my path
I wished I had someone with me
To shiver with
Swallowing my tears
Blinking hard to keep my eyes clear
So I didn’t crash
They opened the door
How lovely to see you
Thanks for bringing that
So stupid of me to have left it behind
Then they saw
Put the kettle on
Strange how tea is always
A healing thing
For a moment they had seen
I had let them see
My vulnerability
The glamour of always being strong
Had shattered
And they put me back together
Hugged me so that I knew
I was not alone
And I turned
Fortified and armored
Able to face the angry winds
To return to my ravaged house
Roof banging
House shaking
Held in the knowing
That this is not all I am
I am so much more
And I am not alone