My Foolish Child

My foolish Child
Your voice is
Mine
Yet you use it to
Bleat
And whine

Come sit
Beside me
Under this tree
Take my hand
Sweet Child
Let it be

This tearing inside
Your bleeding red
Hart
This scratching and
Biting to
Find your art

All is illusion
Yet all is right
Here
The wonders before us
The thorns
You fear

We are all shredded
But
We rise again
Face our
Dark shadows and
Horrors within

This flesh that
Repels you
Holds secrets my deer
Your task to
Unravel
While you are here

Too soon back
To the Infinite
You’ll head
With a mind
Full of fears
And a heart
Full of dread

Each treasure
Taking
Hiding away
Dropping deep down
Into some nameless
Bay

Closing a door
And locking it
Tight
Shrouding its location
Under cover of
Night

Not mapping out
Nor seeing it’s
Worth
Fooling yourself
That all’s well
On this Earth

But you forget me
That I am
In you
That we are
Entwined
We fated two

Your soul
And mine
In endless silver dance
Of spirals and
Serpents
And sweet happenstance

Whispered threads
Of who what
And where
Of when and of how
And all things
You dare

For every door
You
Lock away
I hold a key
All I need to do is
Say

It shall be opened
And open
It will
With things passing
Through it
For good or for ill

The hollows within you
Were once
In the hills
For you are my door
Through you my
Form spills

So foolish Child
Do you yet
Realise
You hold Earth
In your bones and
Stars in your eyes

A thing of wonder
Each part
Divine
An ocean of brightness
Our soul
Sublime

© AM (Xander) Hunter October 2020

In the Meadow

In the Meadow I’ll play
Just once more
For old times sake
Before I close this door
Before I find
Myself
Unkind
This world too full
Of sadness
And cruelty
I’ve forgotten how to talk
To people I mean
You and I and the other
Inbetweens
We’re fine
It’s the others
They seem just
So far away
And like smoke
Or mist
They fade
Their words empty air
Their flesh grey
And crumbling like ash
The fire long since gone
And in its stead
This shadow
Of something that once
Held promise
A spark that should have
Burned
Much brighter
A yesterday that forgot
Once upon a time
It was
Tomorrow
Something new
And different
Not any more
It’s all just
Nothing
A void
Somewhere
Long forgotten
And I look at my hand
As it writes
And wonder
Why
I bother
Why I’m still
Here
When it’s all just
Meaningless
Mindless pain
Spinning around and around and
Around again
So in my head
I dream
Of wonders and places
I’ve never been
And down my road
I’ll take a step
And then another
Towards that blip
That is mine
Happiness
Divine
Call it whatever
It’s something
It’s never
Going to be just
Here
So I need to move
If I want
It near
So in the meadow
I’ll play
Once more
And then forever
Close this door.

© AM (Xander) Hunter October 2020

Serenade

There’s confusion in my eyes
My heart’s wearing a disguise
As I sit and stare
Into thin air

The screen is off yet I still rage
About some bitch from some fiction’s page
Her pimpled head I’d love to squash
Or flay her skin till it strips right off

My hands bend into a claw
I start to hunch and clench my jaw
Then like a whirlpool
It turns in and my rage cools

And I realise that
The one I spat poison at
Is just a reflection of me
And the parts I don’t want to see

Hate turns in and I curse my form
Wonder why I can’t be more like the norm
And not some misogynistic prick
Who can’t reach out ‘cause their skin’s too thick

And I turn to stone
So much better off alone
Away from people anyway
I prefer Spirits any day

So I turn and ask him why
‘To return to me’ is his reply
His eyes are large and his smile strange
And if I could just rearrange

Yet he feels like I’ve come home
His reaching hand so much like my own
Glowing heart all aflame
And he knows my secret name

As our fingers intertwine
Mine in his and his in mine
Something shifts and is not the same
Somehow I am me again

© AM (Xander) Hunter April 2020

My MewGulf Obsession

Ok. I confess. I’m obsessed.

It started with a few Twitter posts I came across that had the hashtag of #MewGulf or #TharnTypeTheSeries. Then the posts had videos attached. The discussion about the actors, their chemistry, their charisma became frenzied and my interest was piqued. I couldn’t find this series they kept talking about. It was Thai and not on my Netflix. I turned to YouTube and watched some bad quality pirate copies: Before being told of where to find the official link for international fans on the TTTS Facebook page.

This isn’t my first obsession, but it’s a strong one. And for me, that’s a good thing.

The two main actors, Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat (Tharn) and Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong (Type) along with most of the other main cast were filmed throughout– from the casting, through the workshops, behind the scenes footage, interviews after various episodes, and reaction footage to their watching episodes of TTTS. Add to this the Award shows, the fan meet ups, advertising stints, and their live Instagram broadcasts and you have two people that are so in the public eye that even footage of them doing the dishes together is watched live by around thirty thousand fans. A fraction of the over one million followers of Mew’s Instagram account.

My obsessions keep me going; it’s not just that they keep my mind off things such as loneliness or from sliding into depressing thoughts, although that’s definitely part of it. No – they serve a much greater purpose. They keep me grounded, and for someone like me who is often more elsewhere than here, that means I am more able to remain focused; to do the things I need to do to keep this one healthy.

The realisation that TTTS had a surprise and quite large international following came half way through it being aired. Suddenly the Instagram and Twitter accounts for the show and its main cast had a spike of followers. The final official TTTS episode was screened in a cinema. Everyone cried. Mew confessed his love for Gulf and thanked him for coming into his life. Behind them, surprising the entire cast, the announcement came – there would be a Season two.

And then COVID-19 hit and everything turned upside down.

Everywhere Mew and Gulf go, they appear to be a couple. They fix each other’s hair, makeup, feed each other, remove each other’s jackets and ties, tie up each other’s shoes, look passionately into each other’s eyes, hug, slow dance. Those who interviewed Mew and Gulf and were later asked about them spoke of how different they were to other Boy Love series actors; they were in their own world. How they were on screen with each other was also how they were behind the scenes. But Mew and Gulf were tight lipped and referred to themselves as ‘close brothers’.

This closeness is full of small moments. For someone like me, who lives alone (apart from non-human company) and has essentially been happily alone most of their life, such moments of gentle intimacy are just beautiful. They feed my ‘aesthetic attraction’ needs and I find that I just can’t help smiling.

Perhaps if COVID-19 hadn’t hit Mew and Gulf would have continued to tease the Waanjais (Sweethearts – their fans). But Mew arrived back from an international fan meet with the possibility that he had contracted the disease. He tested negative. Social distancing was enforced, work on Season 2 was placed on hold, and the latest Thai BL Power Couple found themselves separated. Being together only via shared Instagram live chats. Needing to sit apart and wear face masks. So they came to a decision.

While they supported social distancing, they (as in Mew and Gulf) have chosen to not social distance from each other. They don’t wear face masks. Appearing in an online e-shoppe instance for skin care products, for example, they sat the designated 1.5 metres away from the masked host happily smearing the creams on each other, snuggled together, smiling and joking. The hour long #MewGulf Jenin Sports show was full of antics, games and genuine shows of intimacy. Every couple of days they post several hour long Instagram live episodes of them together cooking, eating, baking, playing with Chopper (Mew’s dog), answering fan’s questions, and yes – even doing the dishes.

This is the end of my fourth week in self-isolation with many more it seems in front of me. Apart from grocery grabs that I keep as far apart as I can, the only interaction I have with other humans is via the internet or the phone. This window into the intimate lives of two people who obviously care very passionately about each other (regardless of whether or not anything happens in the bedroom) has become mega important for me. It has become my connection with people.

I don’t speak Thai and not everything gets translated into English (although they are starting to speak some English). But I don’t need to understand the spoken word while their actions are so open and so clear. And neither do many of their other non-Thai speaking fans. YouTube videos of #MewGulf are filled with comments from various international places about how happy watching these two makes them, despite not understanding much of what they are saying. Their warmth and obvious enjoyment of each other’s company, regardless of what they happen to be doing, is a sublime wonder and such a bright light in these strange and challenging times.

This obsession is not just mine.

© AM (Xander) Hunter April 2020

Today is a Struggle

For those days where nothing seems to go right and the only thing you can do is sing out your frustration till you feel the heaviness slide away

Today is a struggle
Like the day before and
Tomorrow I know
I will struggle through some more
Today is a struggle
Like the day before and
Tomorrow I know
I will struggle through some more

I’m so sick and tired
Of people right now
They never understand me
And twist my words somehow
I’m always treading
On their tender parts
They’re always shredding
Juicy pieces of my heart

Today is a struggle
Like the day before and
Tomorrow I know
I will struggle through some more
Today is a struggle
Like the day before and
Tomorrow I know
I will struggle through some more

I’m tired of my life
Always being on repeat
Doing over and over
The same things endlessly
Whatever I do is
Placed to one side
So that someone who’s better
Can bask in my light

Today is a struggle
Like the day before and
Tomorrow I know
I will struggle through some more
Today is a struggle
Like the day before and
Tomorrow I know
I will struggle through some more

Listen to the song

© AM (Xander) Hunter March 2020

Harrowed by Song

Songs are their own special kind of creature. Sometimes they are like butterflies that flutter around me, just out of reach; distracting me with their colours and their delicate dance. Sometimes they barely touch me as they come through and out into the world. And sometimes, they bludgeon me about the head and gouge out my insides as they demand to come into being.

In your Eyes was that kind of song.

I was in the middle of a spreadsheet for work when it started to come through. A tidal wave of emotion flooded through me, blurring my vision and I had to stand up. Stop what I was doing. I grabbed my handkerchief (who can find tissues in these days of bare supermarket shelves) and burst into tears. Not the gentle, delicate tears of something wonderful and euphoric. No – these were the body-bending, gut-wrenching sobs of something deep and intangible; something so complex that naming the emotion that swept through me was just impossible. I was desolate, confused, torn by something jagged and thrown aside to be flayed by the winds.

There were no words. No tune.

But along with the sobbing were pictures. Yuzuru Hanyu skating his world record breaking short program from the Four Continents Championships earlier this year. And watching him, from the sidelines, his Pooh Bear tissue box.

I didn’t understand. Not at first.

To find the words I had to return to the sobbing and travel through it to the depths it came from. The Pooh Bear was the key.

Watching.

That which is perceived by another is often not seen by the person being scrutinised. Hope, beauty, love – all concepts that some of us find extremely difficult to consider when we look within. But through someone else’s eyes, if they see that within us, we can be lifted up and carried along. We emerge like the phoenix from the ashes of our despair and the death of our love-starved souls. For those of us who are often seduced by our Dark Lover, death, a message of hope, a reminder that life is beautiful and worth living, can be hard to believe if someone isn’t there to show us the way. And that someone is often not the person you would expect; in fact it is often not a person at all.

The tune came from Yuzu’s skate routine, with its twirls, its jumps and glides. Uplifting, enchanting and wondrous; a serenade for the beloved who sees more in us that we could ever see in ourselves; taking us to heights we previously thought impossible to achieve. And we reach them easily as we almost believe every word.

I knew there would be a backlash. Recording the song once I finally finished catching it the next day required me to embody the wonder and enchantment seen by the one who watches; to feel intensely how amazing, beautiful, strong and courageous I am; to know that life is beautiful and that through everything that is happening there is wonder in this world; that I have a future.

It was evening when the backlash rained down. Like a dark dragon of night it was on me before I had time to fully prepare and I was glad I’d clipped my nails a few days earlier. Self-loathing like a poison spread through every part of me and I tore at the air as I allowed my pain to find its voice. It’s poison harrowed me through the night and into the next morning. My throat was raw from ranting and sobbing. My eyes were red with tears still waiting to be shed. My heart was cracked and broken.

But my song. Ah, my song is wondrous!

(C) AM (Xander) Hunter March 2020

In Your Eyes

In your eyes
I can see a future
In your eyes
The world is full of wonder
With you watching
I’m no longer afraid

I have wings
And it feels like I’m flying
A new born phoenix
Emerged from what’s dying
And I can do
Anything
Life’s always worth trying

In your eyes
I am strength and beauty
In your eyes
I am grace and courage
With you watching
I’m a figure sublime

I have wings
And it feels like I’m flying
A new born phoenix
Emerged from what’s dying
And I can do
Anything
Life’s always worth trying

In your eyes
I see understanding
In your eyes
Love is all embracing
With you watching
Life’s a beautiful dance

I have wings
And it feels like I’m flying
A new born phoenix
Emerged from what’s dying
And I can do
Anything
Life’s always worth trying

I have wings
And it feels like I’m flying
A new born phoenix
Emerged from what’s dying
And I can do
Anything
Life’s always worth trying

In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes

Listen to the song

© AM (Xander) Hunter March 2020

About the song

Reclaiming my Hand

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
I used to wonder
Why I never allowed myself
To get drunk
Now I know

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
Always wondering why
Never knowing
Hating hospitals
Avoiding surgery

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
Saying you were just
Following orders
Isn’t good enough
Hypocrisy sticks

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
How long was it
Before one of you
Had the Nerve
To take a stand?

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
Each digit is mine
To command
May they rot off your bones
Blacken your name

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
Violation
Is not just a word
Meant for someone
Awake or aware

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
Silence is not Golden
Your voice wilts
It holds no power here
Not anymore

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
I am not some lesson
A text book
Written in flesh
Blood and bone

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
My fingers
Pressing your bones
Tearing your flesh
While you sleep unaware

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
My hand around your throat
Strangling your thoughts
Pressing on your
Peace of mind

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?
The panic as you try to wake
Ease yourself from fear
But don’t worry
I’ll be back tomorrow

Fingers in
Pressing down
Can you feel it?

© AM (Xander) Hunter March 2020

About this poem

Enjoying the wonders of creation

I am a song writer, not a singer. Although I do record myself singing, it’s illustrative more than anything else.

I love singing!

The joy that comes from the simple act of air moving through the vocal chords always catches me by surprise. Even on my worst and most negative days singing along to my favourite songs, or just singing the words in my heart, never fails to lift my mood.

Singing is one of the hidden wonders of our world; a sacred act. It connects us in profound ways to the vibrations of life; the beginning and end and renewal of all things.

Singing brings us home.

Writing songs is not something I do. It’s who I am. The songs come as naturally as breathing and are as nourishing as the most exquisite feast. They spiral through my heart, my soul, to my head and give me no peace until I capture them. Sometimes I imagine them as butterflies dancing around my eyes. Their colour, beauty and design so close, so wonderful. And yet if I reach out and grab them it’s so easy to end up with something squashed and twisted beyond all recognition. My songs as I catch them are never the way I hear and see them. My voice is not good enough; I can’t sing that high, or that low; I’m not a soul singer, a jazz singer, or whatever the song calls for.

What I catch is an impression of what I experience in my head.

The other week I was watching the X-Files season one. It was the episode of the Jersey Devil. The wild woman lay dead in the leaves and Mulder, his eyes filling with emotion, looked into the smug face of the Alpha Male who shot her and said ‘why’.

And my head sang:

In the  thrall of our own trauma
We thrive on the pain of others
To numb our own.

It came as a Gregorian Chant, repeated over and over again like a delicate bell tolling the marking of some special occasion. And I kept seeing Mulder’s face, hearing him asking ‘Why’. And thinking of the Wild Woman dead in the leaves. The Man of Authority who shot her. How happy he was to have done so.

I wondered: why those words and that scene – together?

Singing the chant over and over as I moved through the next few days I began to realise why the Wild Woman had to be dead in the leaves. Why Mulder’s face while he asked that question was so haunting. Why it called to me so profoundly and touched me so deeply.

I am Mulder asking myself – that part of me that curbs my passions and corrals my creative imaginings into something ‘acceptable’ – why I am laying dead in the leaves. My wild soul; my true self.

Focusing on the pain of others means I don’t have to focus on my own. Confronting my shadows is a revolutionary act if I can allow myself to feel the pain, and see the beauty; to experience love, truth and wisdom in the darkness as well as in the light. And yet facing that particular mirror is terrifying.

I don’t trust many people – especially myself. Anxiety traces the spider’s web of fears that threaten to splinter my soul. It creeps out of the corners and lurks just out of sight.

And yet that simple, almost childish question of ‘why’ reminds me of how beautiful and freeing compassion and empathy are. I remember that they are my strength. The innocence of the Wild Woman, killed for following her nature and daring to be her true self, contains such courage. It’s the kind of courage that I constantly forget because society continually tells me that I should be something other than who I am.

And I am complicit.

That chant, that scene, is my call to arms to myself to be courageous again. To act with compassion and empathy. To be in tune with my heart as it sings that silvered otherworldly glow fluttering behind my eyes into life.

I am here

By the North
By the South
By the West
By the East
By the North-East
By the Centre
Let us pause
And take a breath here

As above
So below
To and from us
All things flow
As above
So below
To and from us
All things flow

I am here
I am now
I am here
And I am now
I am here
And I am now
I am here
And I am now

I am Is
Was and Shall Be
I and the Land
The Sky and Sea
I am the breath
The blood and bone
I am the spark
That sings me home
I am the Fetch
I am the Core
I am Divine
And so much more
I am the tree
Trunk roots and branches
And I stand here
Fully grounded

I am here
I am now
I am here
And I am now
I am here
And I am now
I am here
And I am now

I am the fire
Of the Devil
I am the ice
Of the Angel
I am the stars
That number seven
I am the sword
That strikes from Heaven
I am the Darkness
I am the Light
I am the Eyes
That watch at night
I am the face
Within the leaves
I am the Voice
Upon the breeze

I am here
I am now
I am here
And I am now
I am here
And I am now
I am here
And I am now

By the North
By the South
By the West
By the East
By the North East
By the Centre
Let us pause
And take a breath here

As above
So below
To and from us
All things flow
As above
So below
To and from us
All things flow

To and from us
All things flow.

 

Listen to the song

© AM (Xander) Hunter August 2019